One Year

I can't believe its already been a year. Parts of it were the slowest of my life, but I still can't believe how fast the time went. I have been filled with more emotions in the past year than I ever have before: frustration, anger, confusion, gratitude, desperation, resentment, sorrow, but most of all love. I realize my year's experiences have changed me, and I don't exactly love the feelings that I've had, but I have learned just how much you can Love someone.

We miss our baby every single day, but are so grateful that we had him in our lives for a short time, and I cannot wait for the day I get to meet him again.

BIG Changes!

Some of you may already know, but for those of you who don't, We've had a few BIG changes lately. In APRIL ben is going to play BASKETBALL for the Manawatu JETS in New Zealand...He is very EXCITED! He'll be there until JULY, then he'll come back home. He's wanted this for a long time, and has worked very hard to get it. I just accepted a new job in Same Day Surgery at Intermountain Medical Center, I start January 24th. The BEST part is that I WON'T have to work any nights, weekends, or HOLIDAYS!!! I'm very nervous but also VERY excited to make a change. I will miss all of my friends at IMSU, and am grateful for the experience of working in such an amazing place.

Grateful

This past week Ben and I were thinking of all of the things we are GRATEFUL for. We've been blessed with so many TENDER Mercies from the LORD.

I am grateful for: *The Past 4 years I've had to spend with BEN, and the ETERNITY we have to look forward to (It was our anniversary Last Thursday) *The experience of becoming a MOTHER and feeling LIFE inside me, even if it didn't last as long as I would have liked *FAMILY- I can't imagine life without them and their SUPPORT *Friends- I have made so many good FRIENDS working on the Infant Unit, they have seen and supported me through some of my darkest hours (same with Ben and My Family) *Deanna and her being KIND enough to give us her 2 extra Tickets to the Mormon Tabernacle CHOIR Christmas Concert....David Archuleta was AMAZING! *That our server Messed up our order so Ben got a 16oz STEAK for the price of an 11oz *The respect and REVERENCE 30,000 people give the PROPHET when he walks in the auditorium *PEPSI, and that it cures my anxiety (too bad I am quitting, AGAIN) *For the Lesson My GRANDMA gave me in making DIVINITY, which also makes me grateful for Electric Mixers! *Last But not Least, Jesus CHRIST and the ATONEMENT, that through him I can have the opportunity to raise my SON someday!

I Hope you ALL have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Pain

Spencer W. Kimball Said "Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long suffering, and self-mastery."

Pain stayed so long I said to him today, "Be gone!

I will not have you with me any more!"

I paused there, startled at the look he wore.

"I who have been your friend," he said to me,

"I who have been your teacher- all that you know

Of understand love, of sympathy,

And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"

He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;

I watched him leave and knew that he was wise.

He left a heart grown tender in my breast.

He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.

I dried my tears, and lifted up a song

Even though he tortured me so long.

By: Anonymous

Karson's Story

On January 11th, after trying for 2 years, we found out we were having a baby. I was convinced for the next 12 weeks that it was a girl, and Ben that it was a boy. I wasn't sure if he wanted a boy so badly that he had talked himself into it being one, or if he really thought is was. On April 19th, just over 18 weeks, we found out that we were in fact having a boy! We were so excited, we went to the store and Ben picked out a couple of pairs of basketball shorts so he could dress just like him. While I was driving home from work early on the 21st, the name Karson popped in my head. We had never talked about it, but something in the name just felt right. Later that day, I went into preterm labor. It was a terrifying experience, knowing from school, that it was just too early and there would be nothing they could do. I kept asking why it couldn't have been 3 weeks later, and he may have had a chance to be around longer. I'll know all the answers to my questions someday, but I'll have to wait a while for now. In the early morning of the 22nd, Karson was born. Fortunately he had already passed, so he didn't have to struggle. He was the splitting image of his dad, with the exception of his nose, which came from me. He was 9in, 6.8oz. We looked up the average size of a fetus at 18 weeks, and it said 6.5in long, so he was long, with broad shoulders, just like his dad. We decided to take Karson to Monroe, and have a small graveside service for him. We buried him next to his great aunt Carole who was also just a baby when she passed. Having a small service provided us with some of the closure we needed, and also left us with comfort knowing that he was among family in a peaceful place. Following the service, we began to be curious of the meaning of the name Karson. After looking it up, we learned that it means "free man." We both feel like this is an appropriate name for our baby. He won't have to endure the pain of the world we live in. He will always be free.
Family Picture
Karson and his dadI had cut all of the fabric for Karson's baby blanket the day before he came, so I had my mom make a couple of smaller ones with his fabric so we could swaddle him, and keep him snuggled.
We want to thank all of our family and friends. We couldn't make it through this difficult time if it wasn't for your support and prayers. We are still receiving flowers from family and friends. Each one brings new smiles to our faces. Thank you, they are all beautiful....

One Sunday afternoon we went for a ride. There were wallabies everywhere. The previous Sunday, Ben's aunt Shelley and her family counted 174 on the same ride we went on. There are 3 in the picture below, you can kind of see that they are right infront a someone's house. This one actually had its pouch open with NO joey inside, but the picture is kind of gross, so I did this one instead. We saw the joey go 1/2 way inside, then come back out again. It is crazy!

Here are Josh, Ben and Michael riding on the Brisbane ferris wheel. It was pretty scary- I won't lie.

These are Ben's cousins Josh and Danielle, and their dog Scamp, Who is highly adored by the whole family.

Mike and Shelley Malouf- Ben's aunt and uncle. They were kind enough to let us stay at their house for a week. The whole family is very nice.

Brisbane temple- has an incredible view.

The View

This is the Ferris wheel we rode. You could see all of the city plus more!

Right through the city, there is a man made beach. It was very nice. There were BBQ grills along it for people to use. We actually went there for a BBQ on our last night there. We had a very good time.

Moreton Island is about 1 1/2 hour ferry boat ride away from the city of Brisbane. We went there and snorkelled the Wrecks. There were hundrends of fish.

This is Surfer's Paradise. It is on the Gold Coast. The waves were so fun to play in. They were one right after another. I could definitely see why it got its name.

While we were in Melbourne, we got to go to a Aussie Rules Football game. Which I must say is far more entertaining than American Rules! Ben was cheering for Collingwood, but they lost miserably!! It wasn't even close. We were lucky enough to get seats on the 4th row! It rained and was cold, but it was still pretty fun.

There were about 90,000 fans there! It was lound the whole time.

This is in the Royal Botanic Gardens. Unfortunately, not everything had started booming yet, but it was still beautiful.

Lots of different Colors everywhere.

Kookaburra

One lady told me that 1 bulb for the orange flowers cost 20$---They were everywhere. Good thing the Royals are Rich!

We drove down Great Ocean rode which was so Amazing.

We had a really Great time, and feel very fortunate to have been able to go. Hopefully it won't be long until we can go visit again. I met lots of Good people and had fun seeing a little of what Ben's life was like before the move to The states. There are many more pictures on Facebook, so if You want to see more Check it out!